Singleness and Marriage

When my very favorite executive assistant friend wanted to do a series on being single and being married for the Sojourn Women's blog, it made me nervous. Sometimes when she shares the ups and downs of being a mature (most of the time), single women in our lovely, little Louisville culture I become speechless. Shocking for me to be speechless, I know. The awkward and inappropriate moments of being single in a marriage driven culture are sometimes just flat out ridiculous. But this blog is at the heart of what I can do for my friend... I can be honest.

I thought of so many people while remembering the utter ugliness of my past experiences. I think of my friend Stephanie who helped me through countless bad, emotion-driven decisions and taught me what it looks like to love well. I think of Lindsay who prayerfully walked through the beginnings of my husband Andrew with me. I think of Chandler who once brought me a gift basket as I broke off another relationship when I know she had to have thought I was straight up crazy. I think of my parents who were kind, patient and the opposite of arrogant. I think of Claire (yes, who our MaggieClaire is named after) who probably got the brunt of it all. Geez. I'm so thankful for these women who had grace for me (and continue to do so) when I get things so terribly wrong.

Ps- I did watch Beyonce's video for research. It wasn't all that helpful, but it sure was fun.

Post over at Sojourn Women's Blog.... or below.

Lovin’ All the Single Ladies

I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is hard for me to sit across from single women and watch them long to be married. Not because I don’t understand them, but because I remember being them. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was in so-called relationship, would break it off, then swear off dating for so many months and then retreat back to the same place. Yuck.

Okay, so it’s humbling to admit, but it’s true. I would have seasons of dating and then have long seasons of being an “independent” woman and all that lie entails. The truth is… if I knew then what I know now, I really would have done things differently. That being said, we know God is both faithful and sovereign, so we can praise Him for the sanctification that came through my flawed (aka: sinful) understanding of both dating and marriage. Praise Him for never leaving us where we are (Phil 1:6) and for the people who truly love us well through it all.

When I hear women struggling with anger, fear and anxiety about wanting so badly to be married I automatically want to plea with them. Yes, being married has great advantages and is an amazing picture of Christ, his church and sacrifice. However, being married is one of the most difficult and most painful things you will ever go through. Truth is, most people don’t want to admit that. But just like any surgery that cuts you open and makes you a whole new person, marriage is a process of being cut open and sewn back together as one (with another sinner, hello!). 

I often remind my dear single friends that pleading to have a husband before God is like the Israelites pleading with Samuel to ask God for a human King to reign over them.

They had no idea what they were asking for. 

1 Samuel 8:4-9, 19-20

So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. 5 They said to him, “You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have.” 6 But when they said, “Give us a king to lead us,” this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. 7 And the Lord told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. 8 As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. 9 Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights.” …. 19 But the people refused to listen to Samuel. “No!” they said. “We want a king over us. 20 Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles.”

How often do we think we know what is best for our lives? How often do we pray for specific things only to be disappointed when God moves us in a totally different way? How often have we pleaded for a “king” only to feel rejected by God? 

It’s like a kid who begs for a puppy. Do they seriously want a puppy? Yes. Do they have grand visions of what it will be like to have the puppy, play with the puppy and be best friends with the puppy? Yes. But when reality sets in that they have to get up every morning to walk the puppy, pick up the puppy’s poop, and feed the puppy, they eventually realize it’s harder than they thought it would be.

NOTE: this is just an analogy; the puppy can represent both guys and gals. You’re welcome.

How hard it is to understand that God really does love us and knows exactly what we need in every situation! Sisters, “are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground outside of our Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows!” (Matthew 10: 29-31)

“Well, thank you Bekah, I’m more important than a bunch of birds, awesome.” The point is… if he cares that much for a bunch of birds, how much more must He care for the one He sacrificed His very life for (you)? 

As we continue to talk about how we can love both our single and married sisters well, know this: one way married couples can love their single friends is by being honest about marriage. I don’t mean scare them out of a God-centered engagement, but help them understand what Paul is really saying when he says it is good for the unmarried and widows to stay unmarried as Paul was (1 Cor 7).

Making marriage sound like a constant romantic holiday is not helpful. Reality is helpful because it allows the Gospel to be the Gospel!

Whether God is calling you to be single or be married, He is calling you first to love, worship and serve Him. If you can do that best by being married, He will take care of that detail. If, however, you can do that best as a single woman, then allow God to be God…

because there is absolutely nothing better than God being God. He’s perfect. He’s gracious. He’s kind. He loves fully. And his plan for your life is better than your own.

Single friends, what is your hope for getting married? What do you really want by longing for marriage? What do you think will change in your life by being married? What desires do you want to fulfill by being married? Are there places in your heart that are not trusting God to love you in the best way possible? If so, why do you not trust Him? In what ways do you need to learn more about God’s character and seek Him in relationship so those desires are met in Christ alone (and so this can be more than a pretty, little phrase that we say)?

Married friends, are you honest with how marriage truly is? Do you put up a front to make your marriage look prettier than it actual is? When things are hard in your marriage, are you sharing it with others as a picture of how the Gospel applies during hardships? Are you being humble to admit that you are sinful in your marriage? This is not a thought process to decapitate your spouse, but to admit the reality of your own sin and needed change before God and others. 

Sisters, ask each other these questions! I pray we will have a community with open dialogue and encouragement towards one another as we discover the comfort offered through the Gospel whether single or married. 

Debt Free

I don't write about being debt-free before God because I get it. I'm writing about it because I don't get it. When I do, it's rare and because of His grace alone. When I don't, it's a constant battle between flesh and Spirit trying to fight for faith while knowing God's truth. I can know God's truth all day long... but if I don't live in light of God's truth there is discontinuity between what I know and what I believe. How I live is how I truly believe and what I know becomes puffed-up head knowledge. I pray that we would all learn to live in light of our true freedom in Christ and without debt before God if we have trusted Him as our Savior... (wouldn't that be a game changer!?). 


So here's a new post on the subject over at the Sojourn Women's Blog. (or below) 

Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

My husband and I have never been big credit card people. I know people who are and I’ve had lots of friends that redeem credit card points like a part time job. When I think of debt, I think of being bound. Take school debt, for instance, you get 4 years of social awesomeness or so, you get a degree (hopefully) and then you may or may not get a job in return. And yet, for most of us, the debt from school loans loom for decades to come.

I often have difficulty understanding the concept of forgiveness. It’s seriously hard for me after I have done something terrible or had even a silent offense against our perfect God that I can’t imagine how he could not hold a debt over my head. Because I find it so hard to imagine, I often don’t believe He has forgiven me. I live under the assumption that because I’m a terrible sinner I should just feel terrible. It’s a lie from both my prideful flesh and from Satan.

In Galatians 5, the apostle Paul talks about being debt-free on earth and being able to participate in community as debt-free. In fact, he so eloquently asks them why they would go back to having rules in order to receive salvation. If you go back to having to keep these specific rules, Paul writes, “Christ will be of no advantage to you.” Don’t we know we can’t keep all the rules of perfection to pay our own debt before the Eternally Perfect One?

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” (verse 1).

Prideful flesh.

Why do I insist that I must do something to add to Jesus’ death? As if a purposefully sacrificial death of a perfect human and perfect God is not enough for my sin. As if my sin is greater than Jesus’ overwhelming blood. As if, somehow, I feel a certain way for long enough it will cause the Holy Creator of all things good and holy to feel a certain way about me. “Oh, you feel bad, Bekah?... Well, in that case, if you feel bad for two more weeks, then you can be free of that debt.” 

To be free of debt.

Honestly, my first thought is (sadly), I have no idea how being debt-free could possibly feel. WHY is that my first response when I have been made a daughter of a King to share inheritance with Jesus because my debt has literally been paid? I didn’t win a get out of hell free card. My debt was literally and physically paid by a human who endured all things perfectly so that I could sit here and share my heart with you, so that I could glorify Him by worshipping him for a debt paid and so that I could know beautiful communion with Him.

But my first response is to feel laden with burden because I put the world and the things in the world often before my Lord. I don’t stop to consider that I am free of the most serious and horrendous-consequence debt known to mankind, in the history of mankind, for eternity. 

God has forgiven me, and not just because He’s perfectly loving. But because He is perfectly wrathful and perfectly just, sending Jesus to die a sinner’s death in THIS sinner’s place: me. Jesus died in my place. Literally.

I am debt free before God.

It makes me weep.

And it humbles me. I can do nothing more than what Jesus has already done for me to settle my debt with God. I can’t work enough, I can’t serve enough, and I can’t be a certain way or do certain things or feel a certain way. However, I know when I do feel guilty and bad, it’s the Holy Spirit leading me to repentance, “for godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret” (2 Corinthians 7:10a). The fact that we are able to feel guilt is God’s gift of true freedom to His followers because it’s an internal signal that something is wrong. How kind of Him to supply us with the Holy Spirit!

Because Christ died.

We are debt free and we have a freedom that can ONLY be experienced when you are debt free. How foolish I am to often live as if I am still in bondage to hell. When I choose to live that way, it’s prideful and a slap in the face to the Savior who died and already took it away. When I refuse freedom in a debt-free to God life, I am telling Jesus that His sacrifice was just not quite enough for me. It may be good enough for my neighbor, for my coworker or my children, but it’s not enough to cover my sin. How dare me.  

But He still died.

So regardless of how I feel, I can know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus, the Great Minister, who is currently seated next to the Majesty in heaven, understands my weaknesses. And because He so rightly understood many years ago, He courageous laid down on a cross, allowed them to nail his hands and feet to pieces of wood and then was separated for the first and only time ever from his Perfect Father (as this incredibly loving father poured all of His wrath upon His only son). 

Thank you Jesus. 

Carousel of Death

There's a new post over on the Sojourn Women's page.  I'll warn you... it's a little different!  I wrote it in a moment of prayer for myself and those around me based on Psalm 116.  I've always had an affinity for Psalm 116 and I've always been intrigued when the psalmist says, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." I'm so thankful that God loves us enough to watch us die to ourselves so that we may live in Him. Even when we have no clue what that actually means or looks like, He is still faithful to help us actually do it. It's an amazing and sometimes excruciating process to experience the work of God's Spirit and grow.

As you're reading this post, I encourage you to think about the weight each line carries.  My prayer as you read is that you will ask yourself questions such as, "Whose glory am I really longing for, mine or God's?", "What things do I give most value to and why?", "Whom or what do I give power to in my life thinking it (or them) will get me somewhere?", "In what places am I living a lie instead of living a rich life in Christ?"

Post here or below.

Carousel of Death (Based on Psalm 116)

By Rebekah Hannah

You run to the high-positioned and cling to their legs. You claw up the ladder, hoping someone will notice your “newness of life.” But yet you continue to suffocate and suck in dirt. Respect is given to those who make the spot light, to those whose gifts are paraded in front of others… Clinging to their coat tails, you ride the wave of low-level, culturally biased celebrity politics and hope for someone to notice you belong.

But this life is short-lived and death by drowning occurs. Placing God’s glory on his subjects rather than The Subject causes misplaced hope and miserable pain. When will you learn? When will it stop?

It doesn’t. So instead a new version is born. A hipster preacher, a modern day spin, a new idea, and another fake grin. The life we’ve been called to seems ridiculously mundane. I want great. I want new. I want the exception. And you do too.

But it’s not found where you are looking. You give respect to those you hear even before listening, and to whose book you read even before thinking. You ascribe value according to position instead of worshiping the One Who Decides.

Hearts are inclined to what others say God’s testimonies are, and we mimic with selfish-intent. Ripping off sparkle from worthless things, we strain life out of every plastic fruit we see, desperately trying to compartmentalize the spiritual from unspiritual. If I can just reach this level, if I can just stop doing this thing, if I can just be “faithful” in this way… If I can only be stronger.  Who’s it all for?

It never ends. The carousel keeps turning, but instead of enjoying the ride, you become a plastic horse with pastel saddles and sticky fingers are clinging to you for just one more turn. In this place, all life is an optical illusion. You’re in a dark room with blank walls, bodies moving in motion never going anywhere, and never changing the darkness.

Hope given. 

But He still comes. Not IN spite of us, but DEspite us. We plead and beg for mercy, but it was already given. He opens the door to the pitch-black room and welcomes you to a new place.

Look up! There is a place where the fruit is real and laughter rings from the carousel of life as those riding hold his dear hand.

DEspite us, He saves us from our self-absorbed polity.

He saves us from ridiculously mundane and turns it into a purposeful pain.

He gives sparkle that can’t be ripped off or found at your local pub.

He’s the one who ascribes value, not by putting a shiny crown upon our heads… but by dying an ugly death to save the already dead.

Good grief, (literally).

He. Is. Powerful.

Psalm 116:4-11, 15, 19b

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

‘O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!’

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, o my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I believed, even when I spoke, ‘I am greatly afflicted’; I said in my alarm, ‘All mankind are liars.’

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

Praise the Lord!

Distractions of a Not-So-Lowly Spirit

Posted over at Sojourn Women's Blog or you can read below. :)

Often times, when I'm leading a group of women or trying to encourage a fellow sinner-sufferer, I find myself asking, "What am I doing or saying that is distracting from Jesus?" Mainly because I know the only worthy answer I will ever have is Jesus and the Good News. I also know that if people see me instead of Jesus, hope given will be short-lived.  

This has led me to wonder how I distract MYSELF from Jesus and keep myself from relationship with Him. I recently finished a book about a woman who fasted from a million different things (not really a million, but a lot). I started thinking about the balance between enjoying God's gifts to us on earth versus indulging in them to the point of gluttony and being distracted away from Jesus. Things like TV, coffee (trust me, it's possible!), spending, community, food, sleep, being healthy, working, alcohol, children or even learning.

And the Spirit gently nudges me to ask... where am I choosing apostasy (total desertion of the gospel) in certain areas because it's more comfortable than being changed by Jesus? Where does my flesh dictate what I do instead of God's Word?  Another way to ask it is, what are the objects of my greatest wants that I put before Jesus (aka: idolatry)? It could be disciplined children, a future husband or even a clean house. For many of us, this apostasy creeps up and sneaks in. It doesn't announce it's presence until it is embedded so deeply that we feel like it belongs. We get confused because the objects can be good things, but WHY we want them can be very wrong. We end up fighting for our gluttony because it put on a hat of fake holiness and a cloak of fake righteousness. Then we let it stay and call it "grace" or "freedom". 

Isaiah 57:14-15 says, 

"…'Build up, build up, prepare the way, remove every obstruction from my people's way.' For thus says the ONE who is high and lifted up…'I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit..."

And the truth rears its ugly head: I DONT WANT TO BE LOWLY (or contrite, for that matter)! I want to feel good. I want to feel comfortable. And I want it in my way, when I want it, how I want it. Now you're thinking, "Whoa, she's bad!" And you're exactly right. It's the exact opposite of Jesus and it will get me the exact opposite of what my soul longs for.  

Lowly means inferior or plain, not having any feelings of superiority. It's the opposite of what the world (and my flesh) tells us to be.  As I read the antonyms for lowly, I was struck by "brazen, presumptuous, pretentious, uppish, LORDLY" (emphasis mine) and mostly… "self-important". If I'm not lowly, do those words describe me? 

I think of the million times today I found my SELF to not only be more important than others, but also more important than a holy and perfect God.  

Where in my life am I refusing to be lowly and finding comfort in the world instead of with Christ? Where am I choosing self-importance over God-importance? Where am I quenching my thirst in places other than Christ (but having to always stuff myself because I'm never satisfied there)?

Personally (it will look different for everyone, but have a similar stench), I put obstructions in the way of my relationship with Christ because He asks me to consider others as more significant than myself. He calls me to bear other's burdens… and not just the ones I choose to help carry. In Galatians 6, God did not give a list of when to and when NOT to bear someone's burdens.  He didn't say only when you've had coffee and a good night's rest. Can you imagine our perfect Lord saying, "Hey, only bear someone's burdens when things are great for you… only when you don't have other things you'd rather be doing… only when you like the person or they can give something back in return… only when it's comfortable for you… only when you don't have a deadline… only when it feels good and other people are watching you."  

By saying no to loving others, I am saying no to God (and a lot of other terrible, awful, no-good things)! And when I love others only because I feel like it (as opposed to doing it because I love HIM), I attempt to theft God's glory for my own trophy case.

So here's the rub: I distract myself from Jesus when I choose to gratify my own desires and stay comfortable in my selfish habits. It's like the kid who gets full on juice instead of eating a full, healthy meal (or crackers in my daughter's case). It never lasts, never satisfies and doesn't meet your actual needs. But when I do bear other's burdens, when I help restore others in gentleness, when I walk by the Spirit and choose patience, I get to experience an amazing God who reminds me that I am lowly and (desperately) in need of HIM only. I don't get the glory, but I also don't get the shame and guilt. Instead I get a worshipful heart because I see who He is! I experience Him without obstructions. I get true grace and freedom that affords me true Joy.  

The most beautiful part of this whole thing is that Jesus is the ultimate burden-bearer. And regardless of my denial of Him, He still loves me and pursues me. So much so that He took my shame and guilt upon himself.  Jesus claimed it and said, "Her sin is mine. Punish me instead of her". And in return, I get to experience a newness of life and the freedom to love others in the same way.  

So I pose the same question to you: Where are you being distracted from a deeper relationship with Jesus?  

Oh the Contentment.

This is a new post up for the women at Sojourn church. You can read it OVER HERE or just read it below. 

I talk to people all the time who are struggling with contentment-- it comes out in different ways... some depression, some jealousy, some bitterness, some striving, some fear, some just plain ole’ anger.  I’m also very close to someone whose contentment is always called into question, myself. In fact, if you say that you don’t struggle with contentment some of the time, you’re probably not being honest with yourself -- much less others. Satan has sneaky sources to help fuel this within us like social media and advertisements, then we have our own imaginations. We dream about that family we are going to have, the house we always thought we’d end up in, the job we wanted to have while adopting those pretty babies from {insert country of choice} and when that doesn’t happen, there are seeds of dangerous sin finding root within us. I.AM.GUILTY. 

While it looks different for each person, the common denominator is that we all think we know exactly the best plan for our lives. We have an arrogant assumption that we should get exactly what we want... when we want it. I might also add that we have no consideration (or just a fleeting one) about what God’s Word has to say about our trials and sufferings. We want to wallow in our self-pity because we think it feels better than turning towards the cross. We don’t want things to be hard; we want an easy life, with an easy way and an easy answer. 

I immediately think about Jesus being in the garden before heading to execution, knowing He was about to face a painful death for this very sin. There wasn’t anything easy about it for Him; that, I am sure of.  

What is, therefore, my source of joy? 

If the things in my life that I find happiness in (my job, family, certain food, friends, marriage, car, beauty, success, health etc. etc. etc) went missing, would I be joyless? Don’t get me wrong, God often blesses us with these particular things and we, by His grace, sometimes give Him glory for those blessings. I’m also not saying desiring these things are bad, or that having joy in the midst of suffering caused by the lack of one of these things is easy or a light task. But I am saying, when you aren’t given one of these desires that you crave, does it cause you to be joyless and not look to the One of Hope? Is your life built around the hope that God will give you a husband or a baby or a job or a certain salary or a ministry or a .....?

How then, do we respond to good things in life when Christ alone should be our only source of joy?  Is it then that these good things should make us unhappy? 

By no means, the living God, the source of all things good IS the One who choses to give us these things. 

If then, He chooses for me to NOT have them, I can make a logical, loving and right conclusion that the absence of them is for my good as well.  

The absence of them does not mean we aren’t good enough, or we haven’t earned the right. It means the One who IS good enough and who HAS earned the right for us has a different, better plan for our lives. The absence of these “good” things is for my joy because its what causes the most glory to God. Therefore, if He alone is my source of joy and contentment because He sacrificed Himself in my place, then I’m able to be thankful in the midst of my circumstances. 

I’m content in that the cross of Christ can never be removed. And now, on earth, I get the pleasure and satisfaction of being made more like Him. 

**And He is better than any husband, any pregnancy, any dream job or any ... !

Does this mean we don’t mourn, grieve and cry out to Him when terrible things happen and when struggles come our way? Absolutely not. But it does mean that we mourn with Hope! It means we grieve with the new heart given freely to us at salvation. It scares me to write that it also means our particular, personal pain and suffering God allows for each of us.. is worth it. It’s worth it only because are being made into something eternally favorable, eternally good and eternally lasting.

So then, we don’t just hope for circumstantial change, but we regard a deeper relationship with the Perfect One, an understanding of God, His character, His Word and His gospel story as more beautiful.  

I’m writing this in response to my own life... when I think about my husband making huge career changes that calls into question my trust in God (and our bank account), when I consider the woman I encouraged this week to stay in a desperately hard and miserable marriage, when my dear friend gets angry when someone other than herself gets pregnant, when I see someone longing for companionship with another sinner to satisfy her desires, when I see friends endure the death of their child and know I can’t imagine the pain, and on the same day think about the kind of car that would make my life easier, the house porch I saw on pinterest or the food I choose to find comfort in.  

Deep suffering. Ugly sin. 

What I am saying here has major consideration and consequences tied to it. And I am not saying it lightly. It’s a huge statement and has a really hard meaning. I don’t think striving to have God as my only source of contentment is an easy thing- which is why I would never say it tritely to someone in their suffering, but I will encourage them towards it. The most loving thing I can do for a fellow sinner- sufferer is help cultivate their hope in Christ. Not quoting Scripture like a pretty bandaid, but giving hope from God’s Word because He is who He says He is. It is the only place that those struggling for a life different than what they have (me and you) will find peace that passes all understanding and comfort that soothes even the darkest pain.  

Loving God in Limbo

Post over here at Sojourn Women's Blog